grieving an impossible loss.

i've experienced loss in my life... both in the death of friends/family and in the loss of friendships...and i've grieved.

about 4 years ago, i grieved the loss of a very important friendship with a college roommate. while we were once inseparable and able to finish each others thoughts, shared the same beliefs, and couldn't imagine life with out each other... we found ourselves drifting apart and eventually stopped talking all together.

just last summer, she reached out and we began trying to mend our broken friendship over email. she gave birth to her 3rd child in august and about a week and half later, he passed away suddenly because of an infection. i grieved for this little boy i never knew, who never had a chance to live his life. and i grieved again for my friendship with his mom - feeling incredibly helpless and disconnected from her and having no idea how to be there for her.  i attended her son's memorial service and hugged her and cried with her and that was all i could do. since then, i've reached out over email and tried to be available but i've known she was grieving. the loss of a child is impossible to understand.

even more impossible is that 10 days ago, her four year old passed away suddenly. my heart is breaking for her and her husband. i was unable to attend the memorial service because i was in arkansas but was glad my parents were able to attend. nearly every day i break down and cry and i am angry with god, angry that he has taken both of my friend's little boys from her, leaving her with her 3 year old daughter who now has to grow up with out her brothers.

if i am grieving this much for these little boys i didn't know, for my friend and her husband and their daughter, for their parents, their sisters and their brothers and all of their friends that did know these boys and love these boys.... i cannot begin to imagine the pain all of them must be experiencing.

i cannot imagine surviving such a tremendous loss.

the only thing that gives me peace is that leah is a strong, strong woman. she always has been. she is courageous, brave, and she has an unshakable faith. my prayer for her is that she will continue to cling to that faith... that she won't be afraid to ask god "why" but that she will hold tight to the belief that everything happens for a reason, no matter how impossible that seems. leah, if you are reading this, i love you and i'm here if you need anything, always.