it's a boy!

we had a sonogram today at 18.5 weeks and the nugget is most definitely a boy!

keep moving.

it is somehow surprising in the midst of all of the sadness surrounding my friends right now and the absolute shock we're all feeling about the entire situation that the rest of the world doesn't stop. i remember feeling this way a lot during the past 2 years when it seems that a lot of tragedy has crept into the lives of people i love.

it is hard to remember to keep moving but it is so necessary.

for instance, i am continuing to grow a tiny human. there is no stopping him/her.  i've started to feel a flip and a flop every now and then.  last week when my midwife located the heartbeat it sounded especially strong. i could hear splashing and kicking or flopping or whatever it is at this stage of the game. and even more amazing, we get to find out if this little nugget is a he or a she in just a few days.

i have always wanted to be a mom... for as long as i can remember. i have dreamed of having kids. now that is is actually happening i am still having a hard time believing it.

sadness and disbelief.

i hate to follow up such good news with bad news but it has to be done.  i've written several times about my friends and their battle to keep their daughter.  i'm so sad to say that the supreme court failed miserably on friday and overturned the lower courts decisions... matt & molly are not going to be able to continue to parent wavy. harper isn't going to know her little sister. this news is devastating.

i'm including a post from them so you can read their own words.  (*if you'd like a link to the blog, please let me know and i'll pass it along. i don't link to it publicly due to their privacy requests throughout all of this but am happy to share it with those i know and trust.  the more people praying for them and knowing their story the better.)

This is the post I've been hoping for 2 years to never have to write. I'd rehearsed it and planned it over and over in my head so many times praying I'd never have to write the words, but here it goes. Yesterday morning the Kanas Supreme Court handed down their decision in our adoption case with Waverley, and it was not good. They have reversed both the Court of Appeals ruling as well as the District Court's ruling. I had to read it over and over again thinking surely I read it wrong and even though I new I hadn't, it still took a call from our attorney before I realized what had happened. The bottom line is that in a couple of weeks we will lose our daughter, Waverley. There are very few, if any options left for us to change this ruling and even pursuing an appeal to the US Supreme Court will not change the fact that Waverley will be taken from us in a very short time. Right now, as you can imagine, we are in a state of shock. Although we've known all long, for 2 years, that this was a possibility it seemed less and less likely as time went on. To think that our family will go from 4 to 3 is just not something we're able to wrap our minds around. It seems so impossible. Yet, there is a growing realization that our time together is now limited. These are some of the last times we will hold her. Some of the last times we will here her say her funny phrases. Some of the last times we will hear her laugh, and cry. Some of the last times we will see her and Harper playing and laughing together...and it's starting to sink in along with the realization that our future looks very, very different then we thought it would.

There's a realization as we spend these times together as a family that we are getting ready to enter a really dark and painful place that will be dark and painful for quite some time and I feel like we are getting dragged there against our will, kicking and screaming - on the inside at least. With all of this, I still feel a sense of thankfulness. We have amazing friends and family that we know will walk through this with us. That will carry us, support us, pray for us, hold us, and make sure that we find the other side of this one day. We also do still maintain that while we don't understand why things are unfolding like this God is still sovereign and loving and will sustain us through this as well. I'm not sure how you make it through things like this without that part of yourself, that faith and knowing that He does restore and redeem even from the darkest place and injustice.

We've got quite a bit more to say about this situation, about faith, about adoption, about many things, but for now this is about all we can write. Hopefully, we're able to share more on this blog as time goes on, but we're not making any promises. There's quite an unknown ahead of us and we're not sure what the coming weeks will look like.

We know so many of you have been praying fervently for us during the last 2 years. Many of you have prayed with us and cried with us and supported is in so many ways. Right now, selfishly we would ask for your prayers once again. I have a sinking feeling that the struggle and pain of the last 2 years are going to pale in comparison to the weeks and months that lie ahead of us. So, we desperately ask for your prayers. First and foremost, please pray for our girls. This will unquestionably be the hardest on them. Without going into detail, I'm sure you can begin to imagine what it will be like for Wavy as she gets pulled from the only home she's ever known and enters a home that will be very different - most noticeably the fact that she won't have a mother - and she has an amazing one right now.  Please pray for her that her transition will be smooth, that she will be safe and that she will be loved.  There's a multitude of other prayers you can pray for her, but those are a few. Please pray for Harper. As hard as this will be for Molly and I, at least we know what's going on. I'm not sure what this will be like for a 4 year olds heart and mind. Pray that God will protect her and shield her from as much of this as possible, pray that he will give her understanding beyond her years. Pray that she will be able to express her feelings to us in ways that we can understand, and pray that she will feel safe and secure and know that she will always be with us.  Pray also that we can find some excellent counsel that will help her and help Molly and I help her. Please pray for Molly and I as well. Pray that we will cling to each other and support each other especially in the coming weeks and months. Pray that we will be good parents to Harper - that we are patient, kind, and understanding of her and pray especially hard over the next several days and weeks. I wish I could tell you I knew what the plan was and how this was all going to go down, but we know very little other than it will all happen in less than 30 days as ordered by the court. We will try keep people updated through this blog as we're able to, but please, please keep us in your prayers.

I so wish I could have written a different post. We so desperately wanted to share that God had answered our prayers as we had asked them too and that we would be throwing a big party. I so wish that. Thank you everyone for everything you've done for us and all the ways you've walked along side us these last 2 years. There are a few things that I will sweetly remember about this journey and that is definitely one of them.

Love,

Matt & Molly

one more thing

i know it is old news by now that i lack blogging consistency skills... i do feel like i have a pretty good excuse for why i've been laying low and i am ready to share. i'm thrilled to announce the good news to the handful of you that read the blog that may not have heard already.... ready?

we're expecting a teeny tiny creature to join our family and i've been working hard to grow said creature. that's right. baby mcclernon is due to arrive in early april.  i'm pleased to say that so far everything with the little chicken nugget has been going smoothly. the initial sonogram pic may show up here eventually but i've yet to scan it in... for now i'll leave you with a picture of my sisters modeling the gifts i gave them when i told them the news last month.

one year later

it is hard to believe that our first anniversary is fast approaching. on sunday we'll have been married for one year. in some ways, it seems like ages ago that we were planning and prepping and readying ourselves for this huge step in our relationship but in other ways it seems like this year went incredibly fast. it is hard to remember what life was like before stephen showed up. he is quite simply my other half and i am grateful for all of the joy and laughter he brings me. he has a great heart and i love that i get to share it.  earlier this month we went to st.louis for my cousin's wedding (see photo above) and i felt like i delivered the life of the party.  while stephen has been around my family several times now, they got to see him in his element. dancing. i am not a person who finds dancing to be enjoyable but my husband can't help himself. he entertained the masses with his magic smile and goofy moves. and, unlike our own wedding reception last year, this time he kept his shirt on while on the dance floor. thank goodness. happy anniversary to us! 

ask and ye shall receive?

in august i posted about missing certain college friends who i'd experienced winfiled, ks with... days later i was contacted by one of them! sandi, an old friend and roommate who now lives in brazil with kevin (one of rhodie's dads) and their daughter wrote to tell me they were going to be in kansas visiting family and would be driving through kc to iowa.  they were kind enough to invite me to meet them at starbucks for a quick visit. it was as if no time passed - just completely natural to be hanging out with such great people.  i stole this pic from sandi's blog as i didn't have my camera with me that day.

USCA

i just returned from spending 4 nights in orlando, fl attending the united states conference on aids.... despite having worked in the field of hiv/aids for the past 6 years, this was my first time attending this particular conference.  it was refreshing to be around people who share similar views and feel that renewed fire to continue the fight for my clients and friends living with the reality of hiv.  was it the greatest conference or training i've every been to? no. certainly not. did i learn anything new? of course.  would i go again? no doubt about it.  best part? by the time my supervisor found the funds to send me, the more affordable of the 2 hotel options was sold out.  that means i ended up at the waldorf astoria. seriously... check those photos. it was the nicest hotel i've ever been to in my life.  they turned down my bed at night and left me chocolates, a robe and fuzzy slippers. it was a really good mini-vacation. now i'm home for few weeks before heading to st.louis for my cousin amy's wedding!